MYBOYFRIENDISTHEBESTBOYFRIENDEVERRRRRR

I think just about every (straight) girl ever has said it. Whether it's true or not, it gets said often. And it's probably not a statement that should be thrown around so loosely, just like telling someone that you are in love with them. You really have to mean it or it can be really harmful. If you tell someone who beats his girlfriend that he's the best there is, someone's standards are obviously being lowered. I personally feel like I have pretty high standards. Well higher than I used to anyway. And luckily the most wonderful person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting stumbled in to my life a little over a year ago. He is the best part of everyday of my life.  He's incredible, and honestly probably too good for me. I really think my biggest fear is not having him around. I've been in serious relationships before and I have never felt the way about anyone else that I feel for him. I think I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about finding "the one." I miss him when he's not around and I wake up and go to sleep to him everyday. It's disgusting. It's unlike me to feel like this and even more unlike me to put myself in such a vulnerable position. I've always taken care of myself, I had my own house, my own car, my own stuff. But now I live in his house, and I drive his car, and he takes care of me. It's a situation I've never been in and sometimes I have a hard time reacting to the it. Admittedly, I can be very bitchy, I don't handle stress well, and I take it out on everyone around me rather than addressing the actual problem. But he puts up with it anyway. I worry about him a lot. He's pretty stressed most of the time himself, and all I want to do is take care of him. But I don't think I do a very good job. I just want to hold him and tell him that everything will be better, but most of the time I'm too awkward and afraid of what his reaction will be to provide any comfort. I'm a bad girlfriend. I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't steal, I'm just bad at being a girlfriend. Maybe I'm scarred from past relationships, but I don't know how to show love without feeling like I'm too clingy, and I don't know how to accept love either. If someone told me they loved me I'd probably say thank you before I said I love you back to them. "Thanks for finding it in yourself to put up with me." I'm a mess. Could you tell? I put on a pretty good show I think. I'm just strange. I always have been, I've just gotten better at presenting my strangeness. But haven't we all? I guess that's what growing up is, but man do some weird things pass through my head. I can't be the only one. I have everything I've ever dreamed of having, everything realistic anyway. I have someone who loves me unconditionally, who I absolutely love back with every tiny atom in my body, but why can't I accept that this is real? That this is going to last? That I'm not going to get thrown away like a piece of trash like I have been in the past? I have no confidence. If I had any I lost it years ago. I'm too young and too old to be so afraid of life. I'm old enough to know better but I'm too young to be afraid of taking chances. Maybe I'm just too afraid of losing the best part of my life so far. I always say the wrong things. I felt like I had something important to say but all I've done is ramble. All I want to do is go home and tell him how much I love him.