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After the initial sadness of a breakup passes, we are overcome with the joy of freedom. Free to be ourselves, to do what we love without worrying about someone else's opinion of the situation. Free to tell ourselves that this time we're going to take some time to be alone, to be at peace with the world around us, to get our heads on straight before we ever decide to commit our time and emotions to another person. We tell ourselves that this time we're really going to be selective, that we're going to wait for the right person and not compromise, but then we get lonely. A compliment is a swipe away when we have computers in our pockets. Compliments become addicting so we bend our rules. Compliments turn in to conversations an then even conversations can't fill that hole growing inside of you. So you meet up with a stranger, but promise yourself you're just getting out of the house. Meetings start out innocent until their hand grazes your arm and their voice becomes infectious. "Do you want to cuddle?" they ask as you melt in to their arms.

"I'm so nervous. My heart is racing. Am I sweating? His heart is racing faster than mine. It's not just me. Maybe this ok. Maybe I like this."

It feels so good to be held, to trace your fingers up and down theirs. To be the most important thing in the world to that person, even if it is only in that moment. You feel safe, if anything happened in that moment you are protected. 

Soon enough our hands start wandering farther, testing boundaries, pushing buttons, pushing the right buttons. A soft kiss, and another more passionate one. Clothes begin to disappear and it's as if time is standing still and flying by at the same time, until you remember where you are and how much you really don't know this person that you've exposed every physical piece of yourself too, Nervousness sets in again. 

"Is this good? Do they like it? Do I even like it? I hope I look ok. I hope I haven't made a mistake, but oh god is it a great mistake to make."

And just like that, it's over. You lay there in awe of the events of the previous few minutes that seemed like hours. Put your clothes back on, finish the movie, gather your things and get ready for the ride home.

"I'm not really looking for a relationship."

"Oh good, me either. We're on the same page. I don't need to be in a relationship right now. But wait, is that good? Was it just terrible and he doesn't want to see me again? Stop overthinking, you knew what this was."

"But I'm done to hang out sometimes."

"Great, typical answer."

"You'll have to remind me where your house is again."

"Stop worrying and pay attention."

They pull up to your house, you talk about hypothetical future plans and say what a great time you had and say goodnight. They drive away and the last 4 hours hit you all at once. You question every thought, every move, every word you said. You thought sleep would come easily after such an exhausting venture, but instead those thoughts do somersaults in your mind. Three hours later you wake up and for a minute contemplate whether everything was a dream. You pull yourself together and start your day. You tell yourself you won't dwell on these thoughts, that you'll keep moving forward, but we crave reassurance. We still keep going, we keep moving, we hope for the best, we make alternate plans and play out every possible scenario in our minds. 

Then comes a text message. Reassurance. Happiness arrives again, but just as quickly so do all of those questions. 

Deep breath, be cool, you can do this.