Sorry guys

I'm just not feeling it today. Do you ever get so wrapped up in music that you can't do anything but sit there and listen to it?

oh hi, I didn't see you there

Well I'm back. It's been a while. Life's been busy lately but I'm finally back on track here. Things are good, moving along, getting back in to the swing of things yada yada yada. I have a bunch of wonderful stories to tell and topics to rant about but tonight I just wanted to say hello and let you know I didn't forget about you. I unfortunately have to wake up for work in 7 hours so I'll re-start this little project tomorrow.
Toodles

technologic

Does anyone else not find it ridiculous how much technology has taken over so many things in our lives? Not necessarily in all bad ways. But some things are becoming completely obsolete that even just a few years ago we probably couldn't imagine life without. I mean we're even losing the need for books. Have you seen those Kindle things? Sure e-books have been around for a while, but they're becoming more and more popular. Can you imagine the world without any books?

Sure, technology has produced some great things for the good of mankind. Mainly in the medical industry or in ways that actually do the environment good and protect our limited natural resources. The world probably wouldn't be turning right now if it wasn't for the help of those things.

For the most part though, it's just made us lazier. Have you seen the app. on certain phones that you can shut your garage door with? Or your lights off? I mean this even goes back to the Clapper. How lazy are you that you can't get up and shut your lights off? Technology is contradicting itself too, on some new phones you can Skype without using any airtime. What is honestly the point? You're paying for phone service to not even use it. It's completely killing human interaction too. There's these girls who sit on social networking sites that beg for picture comments. Has it come down to the fact that no one can walk up to someone anymore and say "hey, you look nice today."? A friend recently told me that being "tweeted" back to was like a virtual applause. A VIRTUAL APPLAUSE!? That's insane. Can people not have normal conversations anymore, with feedback in person? Really I'm contradicting myself, I could very easily be having this conversation with a group of people, hearing their thoughts on the situation, as opposed to the Internet waiting for a comment.

But this is honestly the way things work now. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. But would we ever want things to go back to the way they used to be, whether they were more complicated or simpler before technology got to it? Have we adapted to the point where we couldn't even go back if we had to? What have we done to ourselves? Is it good or bad? I'm blaming the Clapper. It started this.

money, money, money

Isn't it amazing how fast things can go completely wrong in your life without any warning. I'm not talking like a life threatening situation or anything, but something that just throws you off course. Like you make these big big plans to do something great, and one little thing messes it all up.

Right now for instance, my big plan was to move back home in the middle of August. Not too costly or time consuming, but I will need a nice little chunk of change to get me there. Before you get too confused, here's a quick rundown of the last 2 years; I moved here from Detroit a little over 2 years ago with my boyfriend's sister because my boyfriend and his parents had moved out here. This past Christmas my boyfriend and I broke up and I was living with my friend's mom, and my ex and I were going to move back home in March, but I decided to stay because I wasn't ready to leave, but then eventually my friend's mom couldn't afford the place she lived anymore so I wound up moving in with my ex's parent's and sister and nephew. But anyways, after things just progressively going downhill here I decided it was finally time for me to go home. But last night there was a pretty big fight in the household and the news came that some of the family would be going home soon too. But, sooner than I had originally planned. This becomes a problem. First of all, I have absolutely no family out here to fall back on if I can't come up with the money in time to get home, otherwise I become homeless. Moving in mid-August was planned out perfectly according to my paychecks. I only work part-time, which really isn't too terrible, I make decent money, but I also do an hour of driving a day to get to and from work, and my truck isn't too easy on gas. I also have a small loan to pay back before I can move, again, wasn't really a big deal, it's just a small loan, but it's still money I have to fork over. On top of this I need the money for gas to get home and maybe a hotel, food, smokes, and probably a few bucks to get me by until I'm working again. All of this again, no big deal, it's really not going to cost me too terribly much, but all these little things add up. But I had it planned out and myself budgeted to where this was going to work. Now, though I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.

I know I shouldn't be so horribly worried about it, I'm sure everything will work out just fine. But it just makes me think, what if it doesn't work out? What if I need to be gone by next week? It's hard to imagine what you'd do if your life really did come crashing down on you. What would you do if you really had nothing. It makes you think back and hate everytime you wasted money on something you knew you could go without. It's really sad that everything is so centered around money. They say money can't buy you happiness but it really does. I'm not talking living in a mansion, having an Aston Martin that you never drive parked in the garage, and a bowling alley in your private jet's hangar. But having the money to just get by in life is nice. Everyone is so broke all the time, that they worry all the time, and they're so worried and stressed that they get frustrated and they take that anger out on the people closest to them who are they're friends and family and co-workers, and then everyone's pissed off at everyone because Bob can't pay his electric bill, but if he just had that measly fifty bucks everything would have been ok.

Honestly though, you don't know how good you really have it until you really have it bad. Things can fall apart in your life so quick you won't know what to do. So appreciate what you do have, because when you're living in you're car you're going to be cursing everytime you spent that dollar on a soda you didn't need before you went to work, or that pair of jeans you had to buy 3 years ago and you have yet to wear. Oh, don't move to Idaho either, it's really not worth it.

small towns

I believe that I live in the smallest town in the country. Not even population wise, it's just a small town. Everyone here knows every one's business, and they make it their business to tell everyone else in the town everyone else's business. And everybody knows everybody. If you don't know someone, they know who you are and eventually they'll know so much about you that you'll know them. And everyone waves. When you're driving down the road, if you pass a car, they wave, if you drive past someone on the street, they wave. I even find myself doing it sometimes. I guess this town is wearing on me. I've been here 2 years now though, and I still find that I don't "fit in." I know everyone. And it's not that I'm not a friendly person. But it seems like everyone here is so used to that small town life, that they only feel comfortable with the people they've known their whole lives and aren't willing to let others in. You think it wouldn't be too hard to meet people in a city that has a population less than that of the high school I went to.

It's so hard to date here. Not in the way that I can't get a guy, but literally almost all of the even semi-decent ones are taken. A guy friend of mine was recently explaining to me how hard it was to find a date here growing up because his graduating class was all of 15 people and that really doesn't leave you with much of a selection. It makes complete sense. I'm currently garbage picking my best friend's ex-boyfriends. Not that that was my intention, there's just no one else worth going for. She just happened to get to all the decent guys before I did. When I moved out here 2 years ago I was in a relationship and really didn't realize that, but now that I'm back in the game, I've realized just how hard it is.

This also makes me wonder how these people who have lived here their whole lives and married they're high school sweethearts could possibly be truly happy and in love. How could you possibly know what you really want and what really makes you happy when you have such a limited selection? I mean I believe it's completely impossible to find your "soul mate" due to location circumstances, it's a big world people. The right person for you could live in some 3rd world country and you'll never know it. But you have to get yourself out there as much as possible or you'll never really be happy. Granted, Twin Falls, Idaho is about 25 miles from here, and the people who go to school or work down there have more of a chance, but it's really difficult. I myself work down in Twin and it's quite a drive to make everyday. I grew up near a big city that had suburbs around it for miles and miles and miles, here there's an ok sized city and then nothing for miles and miles and miles. And even when you eventually hit another city, it's just a small town like the one I live in. even Boise isn't that big. Bigger than here, but not much better, and you don't get too far out of Boise before you run in to more nothing.

And there's no culture out here. I miss Greek food. Or real Italian food, or good Chinese food. Here there's a bunch of Mexicans and cowboys. Burritos and biscuits and gravy. Good, yes, but it really gets old after a while. There isn't much diversity out here and it drives my insane. Everyone is the same. I hate being able to predict some one's personality. It's very disappointing when you're right.

And yes, I have met a handful of truly great people out here, but it doesn't even begin to compare to back home. I miss going to a good party. Not some cowboy bonfire out in the desert. I really have to hand it to the Midwest on this one, and it might just be how I grew up and the fact that I don't think I'll ever get used to this small town lifestyle, but the wild wild west just isn't wild enough for me.

kids

So this is brock. He is by far the coolest little kid you'll ever meet in your entire life. He's absolutely adorable and has the most amazing, outrageous personality, and he's not even 3 yet. Up until about 4 days ago, he called me "Pa." He could say my name as of recently, but chose to call me Pa anyway. And when he would slip up and call me Beth, he would immediately correct himself. But a few days ago he dropped Pa completely and has called me Beth ever since. And I'm completely baffled as to why he would do that. They say that young kids will try to push your buttons to see what they can and can't get away with, is this one of those instances? I don't see why, no one ever complained about him not calling me by my real name, and he knew my and could pronounce Beth before this, so what in his little mind made him make the change? Am I not deserving of my nickname anymore? Did something tell him to mature a little bit? It just gets me. Why do little kids do little stupid things like that? I'll probably never know, by the time he hits 3, he'll never remember he ever called me Pa in the first place.

I don't think I could ever have kids of my own. I mean don't get me wrong, I love kids. I think they're hilarious, and cute, and all that other fun kid stuff. I just think I'm too much of a kid myself. Not immature, just not an adult. I enjoy having fun, and I hate the responsibilities I already have to manage, I don't know if I could handle an even bigger responsibility. Not that I don't think I'm capable of it either, I just plain don't want to. I like to party and participate in my fair share of illegal activities, and I wouldn't dream of doing those things if I had kids. If I wanted kids I think I'd make a good parent. I've lived with Brock since he was 6 months old and I've helped take care of him and I'd know what to expect if I did have a child. I just don't want that life though. Not now anyway, but I don't intend on changing my lifestyle, and if I did it wouldn't be anytime even with in the next 10 years. And I'm almost positive if I had kids I wouldn't want them that late in life.

I like the idea of kids and a family, I just don't like what comes with it. I like to be able to do what I want when I want to, and not have to worry about the safety of everyone else. That sounds terrible, I know, but it's true. Don't get me wrong here, if a friend or family member is in need I'll be the first one there to help, but shit happens, all the time, whether it's your fault or not and you can't always be the one to the rescue. And I'm not going to willingly put something on the earth that I can't gaurantee I can always be there for 24/7. And to me that's parenting. It is your job to bring that child into the world, teach it right from wrong, teach it to be a good person, and protect it, put your life before it's, do anything and everything to make sure that that child is going to grow up and be a happy healthy person. Which, if you're ready for it is a beautiful thing. But I am not, and I really don't see myself as ever being that person. And again, shit happens, sometimes babies pop up when you really don't want them to. And you have to deal with that situation accordingly. But I can't stand the idea of how we're put on this earth to reproduce and keep the population going, and it's just what you're supposed to do with your life. I believe it's comletely unfair to a child to be brought into the world because mom and dad got married and decided to pop one out. If you aren't completely ready and willing to have a child and deal with the commitment it takes to have children, you shouldn't have them. It causes nothing but misery and heartache for everyone. By all means, if you're ready for kids and you're going to love them with everything you have, go for it. but don't do something you're not ready for. And if "shit" does happen, that's what adoptions are for. If you chicken out at the last second, all you have to do is take that baby to the hospital and make sure it gets inside, you don't have even tell them your name. I just think people don't take the time to breathe and logically deal with their problems.

Call me cold hearted, I just don't think I'm the kind of person that should be raising babies. If anything that's a more responsible decision than just having them because "I'm supposed to." I'd make a good grandma, spoil the hell out of the kid and have fun all day with it, and when it wants to be cranky or boring I'll just send it back to it's parents. And if one day I do get knocked up, maybe I'll be ready. If not I'll give the kid to someone who really does want one and can't have one.

I'm really all for adoption. I am sick of all these people adopting all these babies from some foreign country. That's nice really, but there are so many kids right here in the United States that are living on the streets and suffering. Or what about the 7/8 year old kids in orphanages who never get adopted because they're "too old." I feel for those kids. I think if I ever do decide to have children, I'm going to adopt one of those 7 year old kids from Nebraska or something. Those are the kids who really need someone to give them a chance. I think I could do that...one day. Maybe.

So this is it. I'm not sure what I'm doing with it yet, but it'll be something good. I have too many ideas at the moment and I need to organize them all. Check back later for something that makes a little more sense.